Lunch Conversation

I had lunch in Panera Bread today, and it was very crowded. The place was mobbed with holiday shoppers of various stripes, ages and genders. The folks behind the counter were overworked and crazy, and if Friday is going to be at all like today, count me out. There was only one place to sit in the whole joint, one of the big overstuffed leather armchairs by the fake fireplace, which was not exactly conducive to trying to get the work done that I wanted to do, but I was prepared to try.

However, across from me in a big overstuffed leather loveseat was a couple. He was beefy and shorthaired, and she was elfin with lots of earrings, and they were talking about sex. Apparently after eyeing one anotherfor a lengthy period of time, they’d been at a party, gotten hammered, and eventually gone home to do it. They were recounting their earlier experiences and post coitally checking each other’s sexual histories out — there was even some talk about Weapons of Mass Destruction and Germ Warfare from the guy. As a warning, guys… this is not the best way to talk to your recent bed partner about STDs. The preferred protocol is a) before, and not after, and b) seriously, without referencing geopolitical affairs which you clearly do not understand.

In any case, the girl revealed that her first time was in a cornfield. “A cornfield?” the guy says in disbelief. “That’s sick. That’s totally wrong.” She went on about it for a bit, how it was a much older guy and she was too young, and… and…

By this point, I felt I needed to be going. However, I couldn’t resist (though in retrospect I probably should have). As I stood up and grabbed my bag, I said, “I’m sorry. I couldn’t help overhearing…” and I couldn’t, since they were seated three feet in front of me, and they were loud,“… but losing one’s virginity in a cornfield is a 10,000 year old tradition, and it’s sacred. Maybe it didn’t happen in the best way. But it is a powerful thing, and I hope that many blessings and rewards are heaped upon you for it.”

And then I left.

Liked it? Take a second to support Andrew on Patreon!

48 comments

  1. Re: Although…

    No. Violating their privacy means giving names or other specifics by which they could be identified. As it is, they could be anyone. You could have made this up. It is as good as hypothetical.

    Further, if they were airing their business in public, then they already established how much thought they give to privacy.

    • Glad you liked it. Also glad to see your P’Town feature went so well. I’d like doing that gig someday. Cape Cod is a cool place.

      The stuff at the Uxbridge Catholic Church… not so cool. Sorry, man.

  2. That’s a great story. Definitely a keeper.

    I suppose you didn’t tell her the part where often said virgins got killed and their blood sprinkled about. (probably only in really bad years)

    later
    Tom

  3. That’s a great story. Definitely a keeper.

    I suppose you didn’t tell her the part where often said virgins got killed and their blood sprinkled about. (probably only in really bad years)

    later
    Tom

  4. Re: Although…

    Eh, whatever.
    They were confessing past ugly-bumping in a Panera. It wasn’t like you overheard them in their car or anything. If they were unembarassed enough to jaw about it in public, you can totally share it.

    But then, I just like a good story.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.