The following sentences are first draft sentences by some of my students. The goal was to take the underlined words and make a single sensible on-topic sentence that used all five words without being run-on, fragmentary, or awkward.
The first sentence in each number is the student sentence; the second is my revision. I’ll add further that this is not my assignment; this is a colleague’s assignment. How would you revise these sentences? What process would you go through in writing a first version of these sentences? How can I teach kids to write these types of sentences more cleanly?
Is it a good exercise to begin with?
1. Topic: Italy
The Greeks colonized the peninsula Italy that split the Mediterranean in half and was between 3 major continents and Italy had many rich soil deposits.
The Greeks crossed the Mediterranean to colonize the Italian peninsula because of its soil deposits and position on trade routes joining three continents.
3. Topic: finding trade
Italy was very mountainous its connection to the north was cut off by the Alps so the people traded among their selves and harbors could not be made until the Italians turned to the sea.
The Alps, Italy’s mountainous interior, and a lack of harbors with access to the sea, hindered efforts to deepen commercial and political connections with a wider world.
6. Topic: Etruscan slaves
The Etruscan society had upper and lower classes the lower were enslaved people from military conquest, the revolted and freed themselves from domination over them with the help of the Latin’s.
Etruscan society enslaved conquered peoples including the Latins, who later revolted and freed themselves from Etruscan domination.
7. Topic: Romulus building Rome
According to Livy Remus jumped over his brother’s wall and Romulus killed him and stated who ever jumps over my walls will perish.
According to Livy, Romulus slew Remus when his brother jumped over their city’s defensive wall, declaring, “Whoever jumps over my walls will perish.”
8. Topic: Origins of Rome
Romulus the creator of Rome is told to be a great military leader but the origins were not violent and the Latin’s joined the seven hillsunder one rule.
Though the origins legend of Romulus is violent, in reality the Latins joined the seven hills of Rome under one government peacefully.